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It not only jumpstarts your speed on turn 1, but it also grants haste to any creature just by tapping itself

Another black-green card that works well here is Long Feng, Grand Secretariat, which rewards the death of any creature or land with a free +1/+1 counter that you can put anywhere

Those are the most expensive cards in Dominaria United

My mom's considerably taller and considerably more muscular than I am

You can kill the most threatening player in the pod without nuking your board

Either you are the monarch, or your opponent is the monarchwhoever last dealt damage to their opponent or cast a card that made them monarch